Our counselor once told us to take a list of all the chores in our home and split them up so everything would be fair and even.

At the time, I felt like I was doing everything. I was overwhelmed, exhausted, and by the end of the day, I was resentful. The last thing I wanted to do was hang out with my husband.

So we did what the counselor suggested.

We made a list.

Laundry. Meal cooking. Grocery shopping. Getting the kids ready for school. Changing diapers. Cleaning the house. And on and on.

Then next to each chore, we put a name.

Seems fair, right?

Let me tell you why that didn’t work when our marriage was just trying to survive.

It doesn’t call a husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church by dying to self and sacrificing for her. Instead, it can make him feel like he needs to look out for himself and make sure he doesn’t ultimately get the short end of the stick.

Eventually, you start thinking tit for tat.

“I did my part. Did you do yours?”

“I did that yesterday. It’s your turn.”

“Why should I do more when you’re not doing your share?”

And if one of the two doesn’t do their part, the other feels completely justified in calling them out.

Not helpful.

Especially when you’re trying to heal a marriage.

In this marriage ministry, we teach husbands to be the head of the family, just like the Bible says.

Fun fact: Kephalē is the Greek word for “head,” and it means to be a source of life and strength, not “boss,” as many are in the habit of saying.

A husband is called to love his wife as Christ loved the church. That’s sacrificial love. That’s dying to self. That’s looking at your overwhelmed wife and asking, “What can I take off her plate?” instead of, “How do I make sure I’m not doing more than my fair share?”

We also teach husbands to lower their wife’s cortisol and raise her oxytocin.

One very practical way this happens is by the husband taking on as many of the household chores as possible.

And before you say, “Wait. So the husband is supposed to do everything?”

Bear with me.

This is for a season.

This is about helping regulate the body of a wife who may have been living in fight-or-flight mode for months or even years.

So instead of waiting for her to ask, he steps in.

Do the dishes.

Start the laundry.

Get the kids ready.

Clean up the kitchen.

Handle bedtime.

Take things off her plate.

As her cortisol comes down and her oxytocin goes up, she is in a place where she can begin responding positively to her husband again.

Husbands initiate loving acts by taking things off their wife’s plate, and wives respond positively to their husbands.

So instead of making a chore list with his name and her name beside each task, try something different.

Make a list of things the husband can do.

What can he take off her plate? Where can he make her life easier? What can he do without being asked?

And for the record, once the marriage is healed, the chore list naturally begins to even itself out.

That’s what happened for us.

Once I wasn’t so overwhelmed, stressed, and resentful, I could handle things again without feeling like everything was too much.

And guess what?

I had a whole lot more energy left at the end of the day to actually hang out with my husband.

Today, my favorite thing to do is put the kids to bed early and hang out with my hero and best friend!

What About Your Marriage?

How are chores distributed in your home?

Wives, when you get to the end of the day, do you still have the energy and desire to hang out with your husband? Or are you so overwhelmed and exhausted that you just want to be left alone?

Husbands, what is your wife carrying right now that you could take off her plate? What could you do today without waiting for her to ask?

If your marriage is struggling, don't be so focused on whether everything is fair that you miss an opportunity to love your wife well.

Sometimes the path to a happy, thriving marriage simply starts with loving your wife by making her load a little lighter.

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